Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk...
**********
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer : Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? customer : Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager" Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Sardar gets into a double decker bus.He goes upstairs and suddenly comes down. Conductor asked, why did u come down. He reply's 'Oye bewakoof, upar driver nahi hai'.
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, " I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied , "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant,since you're Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jayant replied,"Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to have lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas with Mallika Sherawat, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He's gone with Mallika.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the woman of my dreams." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two blokes back in the office after lunch."
Santa :Dost hi dost ke kam aunda hai, le 10 Rupiyee, Riksha karte purse le aa.
A crow shits on Santa. Preetu gives tissue paper to him
Banta: koi fayda nahin kauwa to udd gaya!
Chinese Name confusion.
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Vivek, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Vivek is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vivek can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vivek be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Signed
Project Leader
NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.
Question: An elephant was in love with a she-elephant.
But the she-elephant went and got married to someother elephant. So our elephant was very depressed. One of his friends felt sorry for him, and took him to a park to cheer him up. In the park, they sat on a see-saw, but the see-saw broke. Now, which song would our hero sing?
Ans: "See-saw ho ya dil ho, aakhir toot jaata hai."
Question:Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each other and want to get married, but cannot. Why?
Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is illegal.
Question: One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty day forall his Bad deeds. He felt that he should go an apologise to Ram for all the problems he had caused. So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door. Ram opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan standing there. Ravan just kept staring and thinking but didn't say a word. What was he thinking?
Ans: "Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?"
Question:How do you "cut" roads?
Ans: By laughing... because "Haste haste cut jaye raaste".
Question:Luv and Kush are going to a village and pass by a well. Luv falls into the well. Why? Ans: Because Luv is blind.
Question:Now, Kush also jumps in. Why?
Ans: Because Luv ke liye saala Kush bhi karega!
Question:Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya
hai?..Socho, socho. Nahi pata?
Ans: D'Cold; Because... Chan ki saans - D'Cold
Question:Chalo ab batao, Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai? ......................This one's really simple... Ans: D'Cold again... Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi
Question:What do you call a person who is leaving India ? Ans:Hindustan Lever
Question: Who is Joe? Ans: Kambakth ishq.. Because "Kambakth ishq hai Joe!"
Question: What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....? Ans.. Hasina
(Repeat item from Payslip no 44 by public demand)
Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) : Phulwa,RaamPyaari, RaamDulari,RaamPuri and RaamChuri were crawling on the wall when all of a sudden, Phulwa started to sing a song. the moment Phulwa stopped singing the song, RaamPyaari,RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri fell down from the wall !!!...
WHY ???
Bcoz,
they all started clapping !!!!
Q. What do you see when you look into a Banta's eyes?
A. The back of his head.
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
Banta gets very agitated & stands up and shouts
we must find that woman and stop her immediately!!!!!!!!!
A man asked Bantaji, why Manmohan singhji goes walking at evening not in the morning.
Bantaji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
Bantaji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing?
He said- I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
Banta's wish:
when I die,I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving.
Banta & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Banta says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...
Banta says hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10
Professor Banta Singh asked a plumber to come to his college. You know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
19 Sardars WENT TO SEE A FILM.
ON ASKING THEM THEY CAME IN A BIG GROUP OF 19?
THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...
Banta-why are all these people running?
Chiman- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Banta-If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running
Banta invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss.
Reason:
He opened a Hair Cutting Saloon in Punjab!!!
Flash news: A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab.
Local Sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..
PAKAU SHAYARI
Hi Good Morning! Arz hai,
Chai ke cup se uthte dhuein mein
teri shakl nazar aati hai,
Tere khyalon mein kho kar
aksar meri chai thandi ho jaati hai.
Source: Reverse of Bharat Bank Payslip No. 76 - [March 2007]
Since the contents on the front may or may not bring good cheer on employees faces - thanks to the Taxes, the back of the payslip is interspersed with Humour & Knowledge based articles. This is the 76th Payslip Back, intended to lighten up BCBians.
American told Banta : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai. Banta : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai.
Where were you born ? Banta : Punjab. Boss : which part ? Banta : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
Banta : What is the name of your car ? Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T". Banta : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaari gaddi petrol se start hoti hai.
Banta was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks the Banta why are you removing a wheel from your auto. Banta : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler
Interviewer : When is your birthday. Banta : 13th Oct. Interviewer : which year ? Banta : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
Banta & Santa were fixing a bomb in a car. Banta : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. Santa : Dont worry, I have a one more.
Doctor to Banta Patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die? Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
A romantic day Banta's girlfriend asks him, "Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring". Banta : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
Banta joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening. Banta : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright
Source: Reverse of Bharat Bank Payslip -77
The figures on the front may not induce smile on many faces, thanks to the Income Tax dept & other Loan deductions. So a good amount of cheer comes on the back of the Salary Slip, every month.
Can you spell a word that hasmore than 100 letters in it?
Santa replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
3- After returning back from a foreign trip, santa asked his wife, Do Ilook like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Santa: In London a lady asked me. Are you a foreigner?
4 - One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Santa: Any great man born in this village???
Santa: no sir, only small Babies!!!
5 - Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Santa writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is jayanthi.
6- Santa was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told thesame. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Santa said loudly, " I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
7 - When santa was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Santa shouted, " You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
8 - Santa went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin.
Seeing this the manager asked what was he doing.
Santa pointed towards the board "WASHBASIN"
9 - Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
once a sardar was travelling in a bus He was sitting next to a babe
he could not control his emotions and kissed her . She was shocked and snarled at him " What are you doing ?" Sardar took no time and confidently replied " BSc from Kalsa College"
Okhil Chandra Sen wrote this letter to the Sahibganj Divisional railway office in 1909. It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi. It was also reproduced under the caption "Travelers' Tales" in the Far Eastern Economic Review.
"I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with lotah in one hand and dhoti in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female women on platform.
I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station. This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honor to make big fine on that guard for public sake. Otherwise I am making big report to papers."
Any guesses why this letter was of historic value? It apparently led to introduction of toilets in trains.
